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Kristine has been my best friend for over thirty years. She has been a constant in my life since I was 17 years old. Not a lot of people can say that about another person, let alone a best friend. She is unlike any other human being I’ve ever known. She is a fiercely loyal friend, something I can honestly say I have not always been. She can take a soul crushing situation for which you can see no hope and in fifteen minutes have you laughing about it until tears are rolling down your cheeks and your belly aches. That is not only a good friend, that is a truly remarkable friend. I can honestly say that I would not be where I am in life had it not been for her influence, love and support.

We have grown apart recently. Not intentionally but life and its responsibilities take a toll on relationships unless you are committed to nurturing them and, in all honesty, I’ve been giving all my energy toward fleeting novelty to make our relationship a priority. But last night she said something that hit me hard: stop spending time on people who don’t love you. Oh fuck.

There it was. Hanging in the air. Cannot take that one back. Nor should I. She is right. I focus too much of my attention on people who don’t love me and then wonder why I’m so fucking miserable. I chase the unattainable. I want what I cannot have. If I could have it, I wouldn’t want it. She knows me like no one else and that is both a comfort and a danger. You can’t hide from that shit and I am notorious like no other at hiding from some shit.

Last night she said to me, “You are over here blowing up bridges left and right and then think you can patch them up with some fragile, brittle sticks and still get to where you want to go. It doesn’t work that way. Oh sure, the footing looks solid, until you take a step and realize the next one will have you floating downstream. Stop trying to repair shit that is only going to take you further out to shore. Go inland. That’s where the people who love you are.”

Our conversation last night buoyed me. I missed my friend. I missed the laughter, the honesty, the vulnerability. There’s no judgment, no animosity, nothing that would leave anyone feeling any ill will. I’m going to stop picking up sticks. Sure, I may still blow up a few bridges but I’m done trying to use them to get me where I want to go. I’m headed inland.