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Decisions. We make them all the time. In fact, research suggests that we make 35,000 decisions every single day. That’s a lot of fucking decisions. I find that number astounding and then I started to wonder, how many of those decisions do I regret? I have research for that too which says that people end up regretting about a fifth of all our decisions. A FIFTH. That is 7,000 decisions PER DAY. Alright, so I’m sure a ton of those decisions are automatic: our brain and bodies thinking for us (keep breathing or you die) but many of those decisions involve a significant thought process, a flow chart, if you will, that almost makes it feel like we are deciding whether to start a nuclear war rather than just choosing between ice cream or whip cream with our pie. I’ve probably made 12,000 decisions alone in writing this paragraph.

Regrets are [inevitable] [part of life] [waste of time] [insert pithy quote here]. They often come with distressing consequences which are meant to cause us to change our future behavior. But what if we make decisions knowing we’re going to regret our choice (not eventually but instantly) and we do it anyway? What?! What kind of person would do that? Read on!

Now I know what you’re thinking: she’s a fairly intelligent, emotionally stable, mentally balanced person who’s also a therapist so if anyone would know better than to make an instantly regrettable decision it would be her, right? Right?!? Dear reader, your faith in me is heartening albeit perhaps misguided, and I love you for it.

Most of my instantly regrettable decisions involve other people, relationships that aren’t living up to my expectations. I feel that people come into our lives for a reason, whether that’s to enhance our life, cause some suffering to teach us a lesson, or make us look hard at what we’re doing and if it aligns with our values. Not everyone is going to be able to stick around forever, and that’s ok. Guess what? They’re not supposed to. Feel the loss, yes, but move on and know the universe will bring you someone better and more deserving of you.

Decisions, choices, actions shape who we are and create experiences in our lives that involve a lot of pain, suffering, problem solving and yes, regret. But, if done with a modicum of thought and openness, can also provide us with some learning and insight about ourselves. We are always going to make the wrong decisions but hopefully we will meet the consequences head on and become better human beings for it.

Kristine has been my best friend for over thirty years. She has been a constant in my life since I was 17 years old. Not a lot of people can say that about another person, let alone a best friend. She is unlike any other human being I’ve ever known. She is a fiercely loyal friend, something I can honestly say I have not always been. She can take a soul crushing situation for which you can see no hope and in fifteen minutes have you laughing about it until tears are rolling down your cheeks and your belly aches. That is not only a good friend, that is a truly remarkable friend. I can honestly say that I would not be where I am in life had it not been for her influence, love and support.

We have grown apart recently. Not intentionally but life and its responsibilities take a toll on relationships unless you are committed to nurturing them and, in all honesty, I’ve been giving all my energy toward fleeting novelty to make our relationship a priority. But last night she said something that hit me hard: stop spending time on people who don’t love you. Oh fuck.

There it was. Hanging in the air. Cannot take that one back. Nor should I. She is right. I focus too much of my attention on people who don’t love me and then wonder why I’m so fucking miserable. I chase the unattainable. I want what I cannot have. If I could have it, I wouldn’t want it. She knows me like no one else and that is both a comfort and a danger. You can’t hide from that shit and I am notorious like no other at hiding from some shit.

Last night she said to me, “You are over here blowing up bridges left and right and then think you can patch them up with some fragile, brittle sticks and still get to where you want to go. It doesn’t work that way. Oh sure, the footing looks solid, until you take a step and realize the next one will have you floating downstream. Stop trying to repair shit that is only going to take you further out to shore. Go inland. That’s where the people who love you are.”

Our conversation last night buoyed me. I missed my friend. I missed the laughter, the honesty, the vulnerability. There’s no judgment, no animosity, nothing that would leave anyone feeling any ill will. I’m going to stop picking up sticks. Sure, I may still blow up a few bridges but I’m done trying to use them to get me where I want to go. I’m headed inland.