• • •

You’re on my mind all the time, my god I cannot catch a break. Got me hooked and then you booked…I doubt I even got to read a page.

One day very soon, you won’t cross my mind. I cannot wait for that day. No more waking up to messages meant to pull me back to that head space where I think there’s a possibility. The slightest bit of attention from you has my head spinning and you know it too. I will soon see clearly through this veil of lies and will no longer succumb to your pretend interest.

Make no mistake: I’m better than this, stronger than you, and I will break this hold you have over me. It’s just a matter of time. Every day gets easier. You don’t like that, do you? The fact that I’m untangling myself from your emotional bullshit. 💔

I’ve been having super intense dreams about you. They make me not want to wake up. I feel myself tread lightly in them, walking on eggshells, desperate not to upset you. Unfortunately, I feel the same sense of dismissiveness in the dreams that I get from you in real life. I wish I could shut off my brain. Flip the switch that tells it not to think about you, in real life or dream land. It encircles and suffocates me, like I’m under water and I can’t swim. I gasp for air, but all I take in is more longing, more sadness, more pain. I want nothing from you and yet, I want it all. But you cannot give anything, won’t give anything, don’t want to give…anything. I wring the yearning and desperation out from my body but I can’t seem to keep my brain from absorbing you. Your touch is gone but everything else indelibly remains.

I should have known it was going to be destructive. The intensity was present from the moment we met. It made me as uncomfortable then as it does now. Except now, my eyes are open wide and I understand the dynamic happening between us. The push and pull of it, one of us craving intimacy, one of us actively avoiding it, is maddening.

Six weeks. Six weeks was all it took for that intensity to explode and leave me feeling lost and confused. The worst part is there’s no communication about any of it. Any attempts are met with arrogance and condescension. I know now it’s no longer okay. It was never okay.

It’s so painful to untangle oneself from something so intense. Despite that, my mind has been opened to possibilities and relationships that wouldn’t have been there if it weren’t for this dynamic and for that, I’m appreciative. Six weeks was all it took to upend my life. 💔