I Voted
October 31, 2012 § 3 Comments
I’m going to write about politics. I know that I shouldn’t but I cast my vote early today and it was a very difficult decision for me. I have always felt that my political story was written by virtue of the nature of my career choice as a social worker and counselor. Social programs are the way I help my clients. They are the way I pay my mortgage and feed my family. But government fiscal policies leave me feeling just plain icky as I watch the our national debt sky rocket. This is why I refer to myself as a “hand-wringing liberal”. But overall, my investment level in politics has been low. I do not seek out confrontation with hardcore political types because my knowledge of the actual issues and, to be brutally honest, a thorough understanding of my own beliefs, is vague. The fact is my apathy was stronger than my interest. And why should I care because I have a built-in reason for voting the way I do. Seems pretty easy. And that is the problem. I do not do easy. This is a significant election and the easy way doesn’t seem appropriate right now. I do not take the easy way in most everything else that I do so why should I leave this choice up to an expectation of some nebulous concept that dictates how I should vote?
I decided to change that this time around. I did my homework and not just on the talking points. I researched the party platforms, established which issues I truly do care about and discovered which party, and viable candidate, aligns most closely with the way I believe. And still, even with all this information, my little black marker hovered over those ovals for President. The seconds ticked by and I was acutely aware of those in the room noticing my hesitation. Consequently, I was the only person under sixty there and Lady with the Cat Eye Glasses had her face all squinched up waiting for me to vacate the little voting cube. I peeked over the top of the barrier and made eye contact with her. She quickly looked away and thankfully another booth opened and she scurried over to steal it from Guy with Suspenders. Turning my full attention back to the ovals I asked myself one question, am I better off now than I was four years ago? After answering truthfully, without hesitation, I made my choice. I want to say that in that moment my apathy vanished. My research and reading and investigation advanced my understanding and knowledge more than relying on my gut but in the end, I had the right answer all along.
Best Friends Forever
October 30, 2012 § 2 Comments
I was married once. My marriage disintegrated because of a combination of misgivings or misfortunes or however one chooses to mischaracterize it. I do accept some responsibility but only so far as it relates to my youth and the fragile psyche with which I entered into that terribly unhealthy relationship. But the philosophy that I ascribe to remains that all experiences have shaped who I am and obviously, if I had not married I would not have my son. But this isn’t about my marriage because, despite the fact that a hardness of my heart persists which has overshadowed all relationships since, it has been over for sixteen years and no sense of nostalgia or bitterness or anger remains. This is about my best friend Kristine, who, we joke, I was awarded custody of in the divorce. Kristine is my sister-in-law. My ex-husband’s sister has been my closest confidant for almost twenty years. The precariousness of her situation is not lost on me and I am amazed at how well she maintains her loyalties without throwing either her brother or me under the bus. She is my support system and I never forget to thank her for that. Everyone loves to be around her because she has a way of making people feel comfortable and good about themselves. While Kristine doesn’t need to be the center of attention she often is and she engages others brilliantly through her generous spirit and larger-than-life personality. It is only when we are alone that I see how vulnerable she can be and how the weight of life can tamp down that bubbly, mesmerizing strength. She is the one person in the world who accepts me unconditionally, without expecting anything in return, and many times I take that for granted. Yesterday she told me that she had a terrible nightmare in which I had taken my own life and she was left to deal with my son. She said the feeling of grief was so palpable and so overwhelming in the dream that, for a second, she thought it was real. She called to make sure I was alright. While I still might be able to function without my best friend, life wouldn’t nearly be as joyful or as fulfilling or as crazy. Kristine is the spark to my fuel and I love her for her willingness to risk getting burned and still stand by my side.
Legacy
October 28, 2012 § Leave a comment
Friday was my son’s twentieth birthday. My only child is a constant joy in my life and every single day I wonder how I raised such a brilliant, warm, charming, ambitious, polite and engaging person who continues to amaze me every single day. I was so young when he was born – only nineteen – and I didn’t truly understand the gift that I had been given. In fact, it wasn’t until he became a teenager and no longer needed me that my eyes were opened to just how significant being his mother meant. I would have no more bedtime stories or snuggles. No more kisses just because. No more first days of school or masterpieces to hang on the refrigerator. I would no longer be the first person he would hug at the end of a really bad day or talk to when his day was great. I wouldn’t be seated in the front row at Christmas pageants or holding his dinosaur-costumed hand as we walk through the neighborhood Trick-or-Treating. I thought I had more time. I thought he would be my little boy for much longer. But he’s not, he’s a young man now and that time is gone forever. But the joy I experienced as a young mother is heightened ten-fold because I truly treasure all of those childhood moments now and see the man he’s become, and continues to develop into. It’s a different kind of relationship now, one of mutual respect and love, and while I still get an unsolicited hug or kiss on the cheek, I know he is as proud of me as I am of him.
Moving Toward Fear
October 26, 2012 § Leave a comment
I ventured outside of my comfort zone today and attended a political event where Vice President Joe Biden was supposed to be the speaker. A friend of mine invited me and because I enjoy the company of said friend and would like to have more of it, I jumped at the chance. (Perhaps more on that later.) It wasn’t because I was too terribly interested in the Veep rambling on about Big Bird and binders full of women and horses and bayonets. No, I can get that kind of rhetoric sitting in front of my laptop licking the Cheeto dust from my fingers and downing half a two-liter of Orange Crush. I decided to go because life isn’t going to wait. If I want to really experience life then I need to get out and live it, not passively sit back and hope it’s going to call me over and make me the captain of its kickball team. I love my life and all of my achievements and intelligence notwithstanding, I lack a certain level of confidence to put myself out there and make things happen. Lots of people have said to me, you seem to have it all together, you’re so confident and you make it look so easy. Making it look easy is extremely hard. And I am by far my worst critic, as most of us are. It doesn’t stop me from pushing forward. And I will continue to seek out people and events and experiences that buoy that confidence. What’s important is to begin with a solid foundation of self-worth. The power of belief is critical. Believe in who you are and others will believe too. No one else can make that happen, and I wouldn’t want them to. Don’t look down and shuffle your feet in the dirt. Move toward the fear. Trust yourself.
Redux
October 25, 2012 § Leave a comment
I started my original personal blog in 2002 and to my surprise it had a pretty faithful following among the seven people that visited. I wrote fairly consistently about things that were important to me, my life and the observations that came from occasionally falling down and getting back up. Some friends have even recently asked me about it, telling me that they really enjoyed reading and miss it. So have I. I took it down somewhere around 2005 when I started law school because of the intense pressure and amount of work with which I was besieged and have just never been able to recreate those glory days when writing was a joy and it gave me nothing but pleasure to create. Law school ended badly with one devastating Property class and so I moved on to seek my fortune in the lucrative world of Social Services. I recently graduated with my Masters in mental health counseling and now find myself without an outlet to channel all of the stuff that gets stuck in my head due to over analysis. I’ve managed to cobble together a decent living with four part-time jobs so one would think that my time would be even more limited than before when I was in school but self-imposed deadlines lack the urgency of graduate school ones. That being said, I like the fluidity of my life.
Now, I know what you’re thinking…why don’t you just write in private? Why is it necessary to purge your brain and slap it up on the web for it to (very possibly) come back one day and haunt you? An excellent question. And I ask, why is it we always need a satisfactory reason for why we do the things we do? As human beings we are constantly doing dumb things and even in hindsight, reasons for our stupidity continue to elude us. Is this endeavor stupid? Yes and no. Yes because I am a private and sensitive person and sharing doesn’t come easy for me while humiliation does. No because I cannot afford my own therapist. In all seriousness, it’s a feeling of accountability that pushes me to do this. I will suffer the consequences but discover more about myself in the process.
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